The Ultimate Amalgam of Win
by 3LW00D
Summary: An english teacher told our group to create a knight and send him on a quest. She didnt expect this...yeah. This is what happens when you spend the weekend watching James Bond movies....


**A/N:** _This was written by three writers, not just myself. So I give them credit as well. Thank you AJ and Jenny. Also, this was written as an english esasy. It will either be the best...or worst, story she reads. *evil laugh* but we had fun writting it. Now, if you dont like the direction we took with this fic, too bad. We like it. Your opinion will be noted, but nothing will be changed. Keep in mind, this is the essay version._

_Also, yes, we know that Felix's last name is wrong, we did that on purpose._

**Disclaimer:** We do not own any of the various movies games or tv shows parodied here. Though we wish we do.

Cars blazed past, too close for comfort. Bond resisted the urge to flinch. It was one thing to spend a few days in the hospital because of his own stupidity; it was a whole other thing to be hit by an impatient London driver. His breath came in gasps, the chase had been going on too long, but he had his orders, the man was to be taken alive. A fine job for a 00, he scoffed. Up ahead he heard the pounding of foot-falls. He knew it was his target. He pushed himself to run even faster.

The man looked behind him. Yes, the damn limey was still back there. Well, no matter. It would all be over soon. He jerked around a corner, not even bothering to look behind. At the end of the alley was a large blue phone-booth. He put on a burst of speed and reached it just as the agent entered the alley-way. With a grin the man stepped inside.

The agent reached the phone-booth and ripped open the door. He glanced all around, up, down, both sides. It was empty. It couldn't be empty; it was a phone-booth for crying out loud! How could he be gone? The man shook his head. His boss would not be happy, not one bit.

OoOoOoOo

The man from London stepped out of the phone-booth. He took in the scene. Forests and rolling hills made up his line of vision. His metal jaws creaked as he grinned. He was in Medieval England. And coming over the hill was his contact.

The contact waved. He was a little on the short side, but made up for it with his skill. Slung over his back was a cross-bow. The whole thing plated in pure gold. Each arrow was soft tipped, also dipped in gold. To be shot with the cross-bow would mean certain death. Upon impact the arrow tip would shatter and spread shrapnel inside your body. Even a non-fatal shot would slowly kill the victim from infection.

"So tell me, Duke," drawled the London-man, "Have sent your little gift to Lord eM?"

The small man grinned and bowed. "No worries my Lord. They should be getting it soon." A single arrow was missing out of his quiver.

OoOoOoOo

Lord eM perched on his throne. All around him his knights sparred or chatted. It was late in the afternoon and not much was going on. He knew that even though they bantered in good humor, his nights were the bravest and best in the land.

Two of his knights stood guard outside the castle. They had orders to allow no one to enter that afternoon, not unless it was a dire emergency. It was not often that he was able to spend time with his men, either they were always gone or he had courters waiting. But this day was for them.

He was leaning over to speak with one of his most trusted knights when there was a great commotion outside. It began with shouting.

"Stop him! Grab the horse!" The voices rose in volume and increased in urgency.

Hoof-beats pounded on the stone steps. The Lord's knights jumped from their positions of lounging or sparring. The man that Lord eM had been leaning over to talk to placed himself in front of his Lord to protect him.

A chestnut horse flashed past the entrance to the hall. Several of the guards lounged to grab its bridle. Not to be caught, the mount simply leaped over the men and dashed into the hall. The knights attempted to slow down the horse, but it made its way to the throne. There it stopped and allowed the men to approach.

The knight who had stood by his Lord reached forward and snatched the stallion's bit. He held it steady while the others inspected the huffing horse.

"Look!" cried one of them, "It's Sir Alec! He's been shot!"

Each of the knights crowded around the horse, who fidgeted from all the attention.

Lying across the horse's saddle was the figure of a man. He was bundled and tied with a length of hemp cord and cloth. Protruding from his back was a single gilded arrow.

Lord eM stepped down from his throne. He slowly approached the body of what had once been one of his dearest friends. He reached forward and hefted the limp form down from the mount. Sitting down on the throne he cradled him. The wound was still bleeding; Sir Alec had only been dead for a small amount of time.

"Who did this?" Was all the Lord was able to whisper. "Who would have wanted to do such a thing? He was so young…" His voice trailed off.

Further searching of the body yielded a note that had been safely packed into one of the saddle bags. It read:

_My Lord eM, _

_You are reading this because the body of your knight, Sir Alec has been delivered to you. Unless you want more to follow I suggest you send to me one Sir Jameson. He and I have a score to settle, though he himself may not know it yet._

_My Regards, _

_Jaws_

There were audible gasps of surprise, for Sir Jameson had not a single enemy that they knew of. His witticism was known across the land, as was his skill with a sword and a long-bow. All the women swooned over the knight, and the men were always willing to share a drink with him. Sir Jameson had even invented his own drink that was gaining in popularity. He called it a Dry Vodka Martini, it was made by combining three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina shaken very well and served with a small, thin slice of lemon.

One of the knights in the crowd stepped forward. He was a young but tall, thin man. He had dark hair and gray eyes and a scar running down his right cheek. He knelt before his master. "My Lord eM." He intoned, "I can not allow any of my friends to be harmed. I ask your blessing to hunt down and face this man who calls himself Jaws. He has disgraced my honor, but more so he has slain one of my friends, and that I can not allow."

He spoke with such conviction that his Lord could not but agree. With a smile on his face he gave his blessing. But his eyes were not smiling. Though he gave his blessing the Lord worried for his knight. There was a certain aura of danger about the new quest the man had taken upon himself. An aura that suggested things beyond the comprehension of the Lord eM himself.

Within hours Sir Jameson had gathered his gear, saddled his horse, and was ready to begin the first leg of his quest. But it was not to be. Just as he was mounting an older man shuffled up to him. He tugged on the young knight's trousers to capture his attention.

"What can I do for you Quartermaster?" his voice suggested the annoyance he felt at being delayed.

"Ah young Sir, it is your sword."

"My sword?"

"Yes young Sir. You should not take it with you."

"But I have used Baretta for years. Why should I change now, on your word?"

"Because Sir. The blade has been tampered with. I have seen it with mine own eyes. If you were to duel, as I know you shall. The blade will snap."

Sir Jameson drew his sword from the sheath. He glazed long and hard at it, searching for a flaw in the steel. He soon found it. A minute crack in the shining mirror. He smiled. "I thank you Quartermaster for saving me with your diligence. But now I have no weapon."

It was the Quartermaster's turn to grin. "Ah young Sir. I have already taken care of that." From beneath his robe he produced at new blade. Long and flawlessly forged it was a thing of deadly beauty.

Sir Jameson gladly accepted the offered blade. He slid it into his sheath, once again thanked the Quartermaster, and rode down into the village.

In passing the front gates of the castle he found himself in a large crowd. Not able to push his way through the hoard of people without hurting someone, he allowed himself to be carried away. Within moments the mass parted into a square where a fair was taking place.

A yeoman stood among a group. In his hand was a bow almost as tall as he was. A quiver hung on his back, in it was a large clump of arrows. He was methodically loosing them at a series of targets, emptying the whole quiver within seconds. After he was done the tall man bowed to the enthusiastic applause.

"Oi!" cried a voice.

The archer turned to the speaker. "Yes?"

"That's all well and fun." The man stated, "Yet those targets there are just waiting for you to hit them. What about one which moves?"

The archer smiled, a challenge was always welcome. "Good sir," He said, "If you choose the target I will hit it."

The man scanned the people entering the fairgrounds. When a tall swarthy man on horseback entered he found it to be perfect. "Yonder man." He pointed, "Hit him and knock him off his beast."

In one fluid movement the archer had knocked and loosed an arrow. It flew true and straight. The arrow's flight carried it to the metal helmet that Sir Jameson was wearing. The force of it, and its unexpectedness caused him to fall back off of his mount. Scared at his master's fall the horse reared and cantered off. It had not gone far before a group of men caught and held it.

The knight stood and brushed himself off. "Who dared that?" he demanded.

The laughing archer only loosed another arrow. It pinned the knight's tunic sleeve to the wooden wall behind him.

Enraged, Sir Jameson pulled at the arrow. It was stuck fast. He turned to the archer. "Release me now and fight like a man! Only a coward would hold his opponent like this!"

The yeoman strode forward. "I will allow you to leave," Said he, "if you allow me to join you on your quest. You are surely Sir Jameson, and I have heard of the commotion at the castle. You will need a partner."

Sir Jameson was forced to agree that he would fare much better on his quest if there was someone to watch his back while he watched ahead.

"Ok then, yeoman. You may come with me." He then glanced down at his torn tunic, "But, first, you owe me a new shirt."

Hours later Sir Jameson was beginning to regret his decision to allow the yeoman to join him. He hadn't stopped talking! Finally Sir Jameson turned around in his saddle, "Stop! Cease! I can not take anymore. For three hours you have gone non-stop! I do not even know your name and you have spoken of everything about you."

"Everything but my name, which is Felix. Felix Matthias."

"Ah, well, in that case; Nice to meet you Mr. Matthias."

"And your name is?"

"Sir Jameson, but I have told you that already."

"It was polite to ask. And I like James better. So from now onn your name is James."

Sir Jameson sighed. Up ahead the road entered a tunnel. With a spur both horses continued on into its depths. As they turned around a corner it became too dark for sight.

Matthias cringed down in his saddle, "I have a bad feeling about this…" No sooner had he spoken than the floor in front of them gave way. The bridge across a chasm crashed to the bottom. After the two men got over the initial shock they turned to go back the way they came, hoping to find another rout. They were unable to do so however, the cave behind them collapsed in, effectively sealing their exit.

Sir Jameson sighed. "I guess we go forward."

Matthias nodded. "I'll shoot a roped arrow across. We can climb over that way." He then looked at his horse. "But we'll have to leave the beasts." He dismounted to shift his gear from his horse to his bed-roll.

Sir Jameson did the same. He took several scraps of cloth, and using flint and steel lighted a torch. The glow shown on a switch lever that was embedded in the far wall.

"Felix!" he cried. "A lever, possibly it is to the bridge, possibly it is a way out. See if you can snag it with the arrow!"

With new energy the archer knocked an arrow with a rope tied to it and loosed it. Just before reaching the lever the arrow seemed to hit a wall that wasn't there. With a sudden jerk it plunged into the depths. Despairingly he pulled his arrow back up. "So much for that idea." He muttered.

Sir Jameson frowned. When the arrow had turned from its flight he had felt something. Something just on the brink of his consciousness. It felt like a surge, such as when a fire is lit. He reached out with his own mind and tried to feel the power surge.

Felix gave a gasp. The lever on the other side of the chasm began to move. Slowly at first, and then with a mighty heave it sprang from its position and bridge snapped back into place. Felix looked over at his partner, "How did you do that?" there was new respect in his eyes.

"I-I don't know. I just _pushed_ at it. And it moved."

Neither man wanted to continue on their current side of the pit. They quickly mounted and began to ride to the other ledge. No sooner had they reached it than they heard what sounded like a rock slide. Pausing, they looked up. A trap door was opening in the ceiling, then, when it stopped a boulder began rolling out.

With a shout the men spurred their horses, they leapt forward. Racing through the tunnel the men urged their horses to stay ahead of the crashing rock. To fall beneath it would be certain death! After what seemed like hours they saw daylight. With a last surge of speed they dashed out into the sun, swerving instantly to the right to be out of the path of the great boulder.

They fell from their horses onto the ground. For long moments they lay, gasping for air. Then they began to laugh with hysteria from the adrenalin pulsing through their systems. When they could finally breathe again they pulled their weary forms back into the saddles. They turned to the road, only to find it blocked by felled trees. When the boulder had crashed through it had uprooted several trees that fell across the road.

"I guess we go cross-country." Felix chuckled.

Sir Jameson glared at him. The man was impossible!

Just as dusk was falling Sir Jameson perked up in his saddle. He had nearly fallen asleep. His eyes attempted to focus in the increasing darkness. He was sure that he had heard singing. And for a nice change it was not his companion.

_Underneath the mango tree, my honey and me…come watch for the moon…underneath the mango tree, dad um dee dee… _

It was very clearly the voice of a woman. He looked behind him where Felix also listened. "You hear that?"

"yes." His voice was soft, like he didn't want to break the silence. Such was the power in the voice.

"Perhaps," said Sir Jameson, "we can lodge there for the night."

They followed the melodious voice to a clearing. Off to one side a pair of grays stood tethered. In the center was a medium sized gyspie's wagon. A lovely young woman rested on the soft grass in front of the wagon, she was tending a boiling stew while she sang.

She jumped upon seeing the two heavily armed men. Glancing down at themselves they had to agree. Covered in dust and sweet from their travels, and then the leaves and branches from the ride through the forest, they really were quite a sight.

"I'm sorry to startle you ma'am." Sir Jameson said curtiously.

"Yes," interrupted the yeoman, "but we're in a bit of trouble."

Sir Jameson, shushed him and continued, "We heard you're singing. We came to see if you could possibly give us lodging for the night. We are on a quest for the king and would gladly compenstate you for your troubles."

The lady smiled, her eyes never wavered from Sir James. "Of course I shall help you Sirs. Right this way." She turned and entered her wagon. From it she revealed two plush bedrolls and several embroidered blankets.

Felix couldn't help but marvel at the woman. He was careful to stand behind her, he was also sure she noticed, and approved. "So," he ventured, "you have a name?"

She winked then purred, "My name's Money."

"Every penny of it." He breathed.

The next thing he knew someone had cuffed him on the back of the head. "Mind your manners!" Sir Jameson scolded.

Felix only glared.

The knight turned to his mount. The animal was covered in dried sweat and was in dire need of a good rubbing. He stayed up late into the night making sure that his horse was comfortable and not in any want.

The next morning Sir Jameson was woken by an insistent pounding on his head, and an unwelcome voice in his ears.

"Up and at 'em James!" shouted a clearly cheerful Felix. "I for one had a good night's sleep. Now come on, breakfast and then quest remember! Up!"

Sir Jameson wanted nothing more than to roll over and return to his dreams. It should be illegal for someone to be that happy in the mornings. He decided to take it up with Lord eM when next they saw each other. But he obeyed and stood up. After a quick bite to eat and then washing up he saddled his stallion and was ready to mount when the Lady Money tapped him on the shoulder.

"Sir, I thought that I could take you and your companion as far as the nearest village. I am going that way today and I thought it would give you good horses a rest."

After some consideration the knight agreed. The two horses were tied to the back of the wagon. Sir Jameson sat in the driver's box with Lady Money while Felix rode in the back. The yeoman spent the whole trip grumbling about the inhumanities of being forced to sit in a hot cramped box while other's sat up front.

When they pulled up at the outskirts of the village the men untied and mounted their horses. With a last wave to Lady Money they started off. Once inside the gates they felt glad to be back in among people. There was safety in numbers; it was less likely that someone would try to dump boulders on your head.

Halfway through the town Felix spoke the seven horrible words that Sir. James had never wanted to hear again. "I have a bad feeling about this…"

"No, please no. Last time you said that we were almost at the bottom of a ravine."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a whistle of wind blew past his ears. There was an audible thud behind the knight. Upon turning in his saddle Sir James beheld a gold tipped arrow embedded in the wall behind him.

He looked back and traced the projectile's trajectory. High up on one of the building roofs he saw a dark figure turn and jump down.

"There!" he shouted pointing. "Up there!" In a single motion he was off his horse and in a furious chase after the figure.

Felix sighed. But he also dismounted. He handed the reins of both horses to the nearest bystander and instructed him to wait there.

The chase through the town was a furious one. The mysterious archer was always a step or two ahead of the knight. He led the man up and down ladders and in and out of nearly every building in the small village. When an obstacle could not be gone around or under, he simply leaped over or scaled it.

A six foot wall did not faze the archer. He jumped up and grabbed it with his fingertips and hauled himself up. With his chain mail, Sir Jameson very nearly did not make it over the wall. Upon landing on the other side he just glimpsed the short man disappear into an alley.

With a heave Sir Jameson lurched to his feet and followed. The alley dead-ended after only fifty feet. The knight cautiously stepped through the entrance. He glanced in all directions but the archer was not to be seen. He heard a rustle of what could only be paper. A scroll fluttered down and landed at his feet.

_Sir Jameson,_

_You have done well to make it this far. I half expected you to be a pancake in a cave instead. I do suggest that you get rid of that armor. It's slowing you down._

_Regards,_

_Jaws_

He crumbled the paper in his hands. He would show that man! Sir Jameson was not a force to be trifled with! He heard his companion's footsteps behind him. "I lost him Felix. And he had the audacity to leave a note to taunt me." He shoved the crumbled slip under Felix's nose.

The yeoman snatched and scanned it over. "Well he does have a point with that armor. We're going to have to do something about that." He turned and started walking back the way they had come, calling over his shoulder, "Well, come on. We need to keep moving. Personally, I don't want to be shot with one of those arrows."

As Sir Jameson stepped to follow him they both got a surprise. Standing across the entrance way to the alley were several rather large, burley men. In their hands they carried heavy battle axes and they wore scarred leather guards on their arms and across their chests.

Felix took an involuntary step back. "Friends of yours?"

Sir Jameson shook his head.

Felix drew his twin swords. Besides him he heard Sir Jameson do the same with his hand-and-a-half. They were both only able to get off a few strikes before each of them was struck on the head from behind. Felix heard a voice scoff at the simplicity of the capture before blackness overtook him.

Felix awoke to blackness. For a single moment he allowed himself the luxury of entertaining the notion that he was perhaps still asleep. But no, sleep didn't hurt. He sat up and rubbed at the base of his skull. He had the beginnings of a horrible headache coming on.

After struggling to his feet Felix inspected the room he was in. It was dark, he knew that much already. With one hand on the wall he walked the perimeter. The walls were solid. Aside from the door he could not detect any exits other than a window far out of his reach. The window was small and supplied only enough like that he could avoid tripping over his feet.

The search yielded only one thing of interest to the man, he was alone. Sir Jameson and he had been separated. It wasn't encouraging information. After his search Felix leaned against the wall. He slid down until he was seated with his knees curled up to his chest. He remained in that position until the door opened to admit three armed guards.

"Up," Was all they stated. Too tired to ignore such a request Felix complied. He was marched down a maze of corridors. The walls pressed close to his sides, Felix's elbows almost scraped against them, he felt claustrophobic.

The halls opened up in to a huge arena. Bleachers rose nearly to the ceiling on all sides. A jeering crowd was seated there. A smaller section was roped off with stakes in the four corners. Leaning against one of the stakes was Felix's own twin swords. Standing in the opposite corner of the roped area was a shadowed figure. At first Felix thought it was the archer. But it was too tall, and carried a sword.

When the shadow stepped into the light Felix was able to see that it was dressed all in black armor. The light bounced off and threw strange shapes on the walls. The opposing knight was dressed all in armor as dark as the night sky. It threateningly hefted its own weapon; A menacing Broad-sword.

"If you can defeat me, you shall be released. But," he intoned, "If I best you, you will meet the same end as your friend Sir Jameson. He is now amongst his ancestors."

Felix quivered. The thought that his companion and friend yes he thought of him as a friend, should be taken from him in such a violent manner was horrible. Without a thought he snatched up his swords and swung them at the strange knight's head.

The crowd up in the risers cheered as the dark knight easily parried the blow. It deflected harmlessly off to one side. Before Felix could gather his wits enough to protect himself, the hot steel of the blade cut into his leg. With a gasp he fell to his knees, just barely raising his twin swords above his head for protection. He caught the knight's sword between his blades, tossing it off to the side. He swung his right sword in his hand so that the hilt faced his foe. He knocked the dark knight across his head, causing him to fall onto his back. With a bound Felix was upon him.

With both hands he wrenched the helm off his opponent's head. It revealed the face of Sir Jameson. But his eyes were clouded over and he bore no expression. In the single moment that Felix paused, Sir Jameson tossed him easily aside. Grabbing one of Felix's own swords he moved in to finish the archer.

Felix was now on the defensive. He could not bring himself to kill his friend, but nor would he allow his own death to be on Sir Jameson's head. When Sir Jameson had committed himself to an attack Felix moved in close around hm. He caught the tall knight around the neck. "Forgive me James." He whispered. He then placed his right hand at the base of Sir Jameson's neck and squeezed.

Sir Jameson instantly collapsed limp in his arms. Felix allowed him to fall to the ground before standing up. His eyes searched the crowd, looking for one who would match the figure of the archer shadow. He suspected it was he who had played this horrible trick upon him. There! A single shadow off to the side! It was taller than the archer though, and he thought he saw the glint of _metal_.

Before he could take off in pursuit however the same guards from the street strode in. They grabbed the yeoman by the arms and lead him struggling out of the room. Before the door slammed he caught a glimpse of three of the men carrying Sir Jameson away.

Felix was dumped unceremoniously back into his cell. He sprawled across the floor his limbs all in a tangle. After catching his breath the picked himself up and dusted off his clothes. He returned to his corner where he contemplated his possible fate. The events of the day were far too tiring however, and sleep soon overtook him.

The door slamming open jerked Felix back to consciousness. He stood to see who it was that was interrupting his much needed nap. Standing in the doorway was the dark knight. But it wasn't. Instead of the full armor he wore a black shirt, tunic and leather vest and gauntlets. He wore the same Long-sword at his side but the helm was missing. Felix was immediately on his guard. He backed against his wall and moved into a defensive position.

The knight held up his hands. "Felix." He said.

Felix paused. He looked back at the figure. His eyes traveled to his face, to his eyes. A smile broke out on Felix's face, the eyes that he saw were the same ones that he had come to know. "James!" he cried. His joy was short-lived however, for no sooner had he spoken than he was reeling back against the wall. His hand flew to his jaw where already discoloration was beginning to spread.

"What was that for?!" he sputtered.

Sir Jameson smiled. "That, my friend, was for that little trick of yours." His eyes sparkled mischievously.

Felix's hand dropped to his sides. "I guess I did deserve that." He then became business-like. "What are you doing here? I thought you were brainwashed."  
"I was. But that knock-out pinch of yours took care of that. Of course they don't know. I'm supposed to take you to be executed. Of course, we're going to be taking a small detour." He turned to the door, glancing out into the corridors. "All clear, this way."

With a laugh, Felix followed. They traveled down the same corridors that had made the yeoman so nervous before, but now with a friend at his side it was not so. Several times they had to duck into rooms or other halls to avoid patrols that were surely searching for the two missing prisoners.

When they entered a large room with tables and chairs scattered throughout, Sir Jameson stopped to take stock on their bearings.

"You have no idea where we are, do you James?"

"One moment, one moment and then I will. I think this is a receiving room of sorts…"

Before he could finish his thought there were footsteps echoing in the doorway. Felix grabbed his companion and dragged him into a convenient room that he had seen off to the side. His closed the door just as the visitor entered.

"Felix, I know we're friends but this is a little much wouldn't you say? We _are_ trying to escape after all!" Sir James said, laughing heartily.

Felix cuffed him upside the head. "None of that you!" he whispered.

Both men pressed their ears to the door, listening for any sign that the unwanted man was gone. When it didn't seem he would leave on his own, Sir Jameson decided to help him along. Some searching had yielded a box that was labeled, "Holy Hand Grenades". It even had instructions on the use. With a mischievous grin on his face he grabbed one. "I think a bit of a shock might be in order…"

Opening the door the slightest bit, the pin was pulled and after carefully counting to three the object was loosed into the room. Both men hit the deck and covered their ears with their hands. The shockwave of the resulting explosion was felt all through the building, throwing some of the inhabitants off their feet.

Sir Jameson was one his feet in an instant after the shockwave passed. He grabbed Felix by the hands and pulled him up. "First your weapons and then to the next phase of our quest!"

He opened the door a few inches, the sight that met his eyes caused Sir Jameson to allow it to swing opened the rest of the way. There wasn't a lobby left. It was just open sky above them.

"My goodness James, what have _you_ done?" Breathed Felix.

Sir Jameson only shrugged. "Never mind it. We have to find our stuff and get out of here."

They dashed across what was now an open, exposed area. Upon reaching the other side Sir Jameson led Felix to the storage room where their stuff was being kept. Felix eagerly snatched up his equipment, but he noticed that his companion was steadily gazing at the sword he had been given as the black knight.

"Something wrong?"

Sir Jameson jumped, "No, nothing wrong. I…I just feel that it's important for me to bring this sword with us. When I went to put it back something stopped me." He was almost whispering.

Felix thought back to the episode at the bridge. "Then by all means bring it with!"

Sir Jameson nodded; he placed the sword back into its scabbard before snatching up his own along with his bow and saddle bags. Once they were ready the men made their way out of the building and found themselves in the very town that they had entered the day before.

With some searching they located where their horses had been taken. Sir Jameson paid for the lodging and feed of the beasts, telling the man he had done a great service to the king and Lord eM by taking care of them.

As they turned to leave the man held out his hand. "Wait Sirs! One more thing. A note, yes, yes. A man left a note for you. I did not read it, I swear to this." He handed them a slip of paper.

_Sir Jameson,_

_You really are beginning to be such a nuisance. If only you would play by my rules, by which case, you and your friend there would be dead by now…ah well, we can't have everything we want. Speaking of wanting things. I caught a lovely young woman wandering around. _

_She is now keeping me company. Come get her if you want her. _

_**You are the ransom**__._

_Regards,_

_Jaws_

"He has gone too far this time. What kind of a man would drag an innocent woman into such a fight? No Felix, we must put an end to this!" With new purpose Sir Jameson strode out of the barn. As soon as he was clear he mounted his stallion and rode off at a reckless speed, not even bothering to wait for Felix.

When he had gotten his wits about him again and was thinking clearly, Sir James reined his horse to a stop. He dismounted, loosened the girth, and began walking. He noticed that Felix was not with him. He sighed. He had been so stupid! He knew better! He shouldn't have left in a huff like that; it didn't do anybody any good! Now he was stuck far off the beaten path with a horse that was run into the ground. And what did he have to show for it? Nothing.

He considered continuing but decided against it. It was getting too dark to see without the moon, and he didn't want to have to face the archer and his master alone. He had learned that he just wasn't able to. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed a partner. With a resigned sigh he settled down to wait.

Before the moon had passed halfway across the sky Felix showed up. His horse was moving at a steady trot, and he was singing again. But the most annoying part was the he was singing the bloody mango tree song! Sir Jameson was sure he didn't even know what a mango tree was, not that it mattered.

"Underneath the mango tree…da dum dee dee…my honey and me….You know James, I think Honey would be a good name for a girl, don't you think? And then I could sing this song to her while I'm riding. And she'd be riding…and then she'd be a Honey Rider, ha-ha!" he broke into laughter at his joke until it seemed he would fall off his stallion.

"Yes. You're jokes are so funny. Now please. We need to concentrate."

With a sobering nod Felix dismounted.

Sir Jameson noted with some disdain that Felix's horse was not in nearly as poor condition as his own. He mentally kicked himself.

During the middle of the night Sir Jameson decided to go for a stroll, he was unable to sleep. He wandered down the road. A full moon had risen and it made for a prefect guiding light. The moor stretched out for miles on either side of him. Its seductive beauty spoke of death to the unsuspecting traveler who tried to cross it.

As he was thinking those thoughts he heard an ear-splitting scream. Following the sound he was able to locate a woman. She was up to her waist in a sink hole. Sir Jameson grabbed one of her thrashing arms and pulled as hard as he could. The woman whimpered at the pain of being pulled in two directions, but was otherwise silent.

When she was free and on solid ground again both people collapsed into a heap, gasping to catch their breathes. Sir Jameson was acutely conscious of her bare skin rubbing across his own. He felt small droplets of sweat break out upon his brow. Wiping them away he spoke to her between breathes, "What…are you doing out here so late? You could have died!"

"But I didn't, did I?"

"Well no but-"

"And even if I wear dead…I wouldn't mind. It would seem that I have good company in death." She snuggled closer to him.

The knight tried to inch away from the woman. He had saved her, but that was all. He had commitments, he had his honor! What as a knight without honor? "Yes, well. You're not dead. Perhaps I can escort you to wherever it is that you are staying the night. I am sure any companions of yours are rather worried." He was thinking up anything he could to get rid of the devilish woman.

"Mhmmm…" she purred, "I have no companions with me. None wanted to come." She pouted, "But now I have you. A big, strong man to protect me."

"Really, my Lady! This is highly inappropriate conduct! I shall escort you to your lodgings and then I do not wish to see you again!" He jerked to his feet and pulled the lady to her own. "How far is it to where you are staying?"

"Not far. Just over that hill." She pointed off to the east.

"Good." Sir Jameson started hiking, keeping an eye on the lady that was now in his charge. It only took twenty minutes to reach the cottage that was at the bottom of the hill. Sir Jameson held the door open for the lady. He bowed to her and about to begin making his way back when a long, slender hand reached out and pulled him in. The door slammed shut with a resounding BANG!

"Lady. I cannot stay here with you. It goes against my honor, and I do not even know your name." He firmly pushed her away from him.

She was not to be put off. "Ah, that is easily remedied. My name is Malquesha. And I know who you are, and who you're searching for."

"Tell me where he is!" Sir Jameson demanded. "The life of a lady depends upon it!"

That was, as it turned out, the wrong thing to say. The woman looked as if she were ready to slap him. "You wish to leave me, just to run to another woman! Of all things!"

He sighed, he truly was trying to be patient, but it was trying. He decided to repeat himself once more. "Please Lady. I friend of mine has been taken prisoner by a man who calls himself Jaws. I must find him before he does something to her. I must be allowed to go."

The change in the woman's demeanor was instantaneous, "Why did you not say so?"

"I-"

"I know where Jaws is! I will take you to him! We must hurry if we are to save your Lady."

The lady rushed to grab a riding cloak and then met Sir Jameson at the door. They began walking back to where Felix waited with the horses. By the time they reached him he had noticed the absence of his partner and had become worried for his safety.

"James!" he cried upon seeing his approach. "You really need to stop wandering off like that. You're a magnet for trouble." He noticed the lady, "Where are my manners? My name is Felix Matthias, at your service." He bowed low.

The woman didn't even seem to notice, she had eyes only for Sir Jameson.

Felix glared. Ah well, such was life!

Sir Jameson explained the situation to Felix, who agreed that an immediate start was for the best. They quickly packed all the equipment they had brought, most of it was transferred to Felix's horse as it was decided the lady would ride double with the knight.

It was a long ride to Jaws's hide out. It took the rest of the night and a good portion of the morning to get within sight of it. Once that was achieved (after much singing of the Mango Tree song by Felix) Sir Jameson called a halt to rest and prepare.

They first laid out the bedrolls so that the lady could rest. Then, any equipment that was not vital was stashed away. Felix and Sir Jameson spent two hours checking over their weapons, both the swords and bows. Any arrows that were even slightly off were re-fletched. When everything was ready they too stretched out for a rest.

Just as the sun was getting low in the sky the two friends moved out. They mounted their horses and rode them as close to the fortress as was safe before tying them to a tree. They kept the girths tight, they were sure a quick exit would be needed.

After watching the entrance they slipped through. They were brought into a large dome shaped room. It had three exits from it. Felix and Sir Jameson chose the one to the right. It took them to an antechamber, following it they came to an area where the floor seemed to drop out from beneath them.

Felix dropped to his knees and put an ear to the floor. "I hear voices."

Sir Jameson followed. "It sounds like Money…and someone else." He looked around the room to be sure there were no witnesses before speaking again. Cupping his hands to his mouth he shouted, "Money! Can you hear me?"

There were long seconds before an answer came, "Sir Jameson? Is that you? And Felix?"

"I'm here." Felix called, overjoyed that she had remembered him. "Stay right where you are, we're going to get you out." He stood up and removing his pack brought out the rope that had been tied to his arrow. He wrapped it around his waist and secured it. He tossed the other end over the edge.

Sir Jameson listened for the sound of the rope hitting the bottom. He then stood up and grabbed on to help Felix. "When you're ready, jerk the rope three times. We'll pull you up."

After a second the rope jerked. The two men pulled as hard and as fast as they could. Within moments a shock of brown hair appeared, followed by a young man. He grabbed the side of the pit and pulled himself over. He then promptly jumped to his feet.

They stared at him in wonder. His clothes were extremely strange. He wore a blue suit with brown pin-stripes. He had on brown dress shoes and his hair was sticking out in all directions.

"Who the Heck are you?" Felix asked curiously, expecting Money to be the one to climb out of the pit.

The Man grinned, tilting his head to the side. "I'm The Doctor! Simply "The Doctor"! The one, the only, and the best!" He winked, "I can save the Universe with a kettle and some string! Now where was I? Oh yes! Hand me the sonic screwdriver!"

Felix blinked, staring at the man. "The what?"

The Doctor thought for a moment, before pointing over to a silvery rod locked in a glass box across the room. "The _'Magic Wand'_…"

Sir Jameson, having only been spectating to this point, nodded and turned, and ended up smashing the box with the hilt of his sword. "Have fun." He called, tossing the device to The Doctor. After fumbling with the catch, The Doctor calmed and looked back down through the darkness at a rusted cage that contained the lovely Miss Money.

"Well don't just stand there! We gotta get her out too!" The Doctor called as he grabbed the robe and slid back down. He moved to the cave and spun his Silvery wand. After examining the lock and rambling on about deadbolts and friction and leverage, he pointed the tip of the device at the keyhole. It lit up with blue and emanated a deep whirring sound, and afterwards the lock popped and the door fell open.

"'Ello there!" The Doctor said, reaching to take Moneys hand.

"Oh my, aren't you a cute one." She replied, taking his hand before daintily stepping out of the cage.

The Doctor let off a grin and looked up to the knight and yeoman. "The Rope would be useful right about now!"

The rope was tossed back down. With the two men pulling, and the Doctor giving some assistance from below, it wasn't long before Money was up on the ledge. After checking her for injuries the group helped The Doctor back out began the trek back to the main entrance. Once there they tried the first door they came too, not remembering which one led out.

It proved to be a bad choice.

"I would say I have a bad feeling about this…" quipped Felix, "but I think you already knew that."

Indeed, for seated at tabled throughout the room where nearly twenty of Jaws's henchmen. As soon as they saw the trespassers they leapt to their feet to confront them. Without hesitation Felix drew his bow and began felling enemies left and right. Sir Jameson followed his lead, plunging an arrow into an enemy, jerking it back out, and using it to shoot another.

When it became a matter of close contact fighting, both men switched to their swords instead. Felix's twin blades flashed with the torch light as he fought. Sir Jameson was using his own Hand-and-a-half sword; he felt that the time wasn't right to use his black blade.

As soon as all their enemies were dispatched they ducked back out of the room, slamming the door behind them. "Defiantly not door number one." Sir Jameson gasped.

Felix laughed, "My goodness, he does have a sense of humor!"

"That's all well and good." Said The Doctor, "But we still have a problem. That man Jaws is still floating around. You need to take care of him."

"We know that." Sir Jameson declared, that's why we are here. According to Jaws we have a score to settle. And now we do, for he has killed one of my friends and almost caused me to kill one myself, and he has imprisoned a Lady that I know and consider to be a friend. He has called me a coward and so insulted my honor. We do have a score to settle." The glint in his eyes spoke for a hard resolve to eliminate the problem that was the man who called himself Jaws.

The man in the blue suit nodded, it was understandable.

Gathering Felix and the two newcomers they took the only untried door. It led to another chamber, on the opposite wall as a locked and chained door. The four spread out across the room, searching for a key. Money leaned against a wall to think, to her surprise it slid back behind her. With a start she jumped back up. "I think I found our way out!"

The three men crowded around her; sure enough there was a tunnel behind the wall. Sir Jameson and Felix shredded cloth from their tunics to make torches. They found out however, that they had nothing to light it with. The Doctor took care of that. From a pocket he produced his metal wand, and after a good second of holding its blue tip against the torches, they lit into flames

The group made their way through the tunnel. Sir Jameson took the lead with Felix the rear guard. The tunnel was short; it appeared to simply be a way to by-pass the door in the other room. After a single curve it opened up to a small chamber. There was nothing adorning it other than a simple wooden chest in a corner.

Cautiously they approached it. Sir Jameson held both the torches while Felix lifted the lid. When he did the yeoman left out a gasp of surprise. In the chest, wrapped in silk was a golden longbow. Lying next to it was a matching quiver. Gently he lifted the prize out to examine it by the torch light.

"Look at it James…it's simply lovely, there are no other words…"

Sir Jameson was more cautious. His friend had been killed by a golden arrow; it could have been fired from that very bow. But on the other hand, he himself had seen the shadow carry and fire a cross-bow. "What do you plan to do with it?"

"To keep it of course. You never know, it may come in handy." After testing the strength of the bow and its string Felix found it to be a very heavy draw. He eagerly placed his old one in the chest and kept the other.

They then began once again looking for a door. It was soon found, however, that the only way out was to go back to the other room. So once again, Sir Jameson took the lead back through the tunnel. In the original room the search for the key was again taken up. Felix and Sir Jameson found their attention riveted on a single point above the door.

It was a torch, unlit and too far out of reach to be ignited with one of their own. Its curious placement was what caught their attention. They looked for any hidden switches but found none. The Doctor sighed and looked at Felix's new bow. Could it really be that easy? The puzzles in Pompei were harder to solve than this.

"Felix you said your name was?" The Doctor chimed in.

"Hm, yes?" His head snapped up.

"That bow of yours…gold melts, possibly if we took a single arrow, lit it with one of the torches, and fired it at that torch up there, possibly it's lighting would open the door."

Felix thought about the proposition, and Looked to Jameson for approval. He nodded. It made sense; it followed with the other puzzles they had had to solve. It was worth a try. They again looked to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked back and forth between them both. "What? OH! So sorry," He said, pulling the Wand-like device out of his coat once more. He allowed it to heat the golden arrow, though surprisingly it would not melt or catch flame as easily as one would expect.

"That SHOULD do it…." The Doctor claimed, backing away from the archer.

Felix took aim, positioning himself and lining up the shot.

"Hurry up already…." Jameson Said impatiently.

With a heavy rush of wind the arrow was released and it flew straight and true, imbedding itself in the unlit torch. With a burst of air it ignited and the door lifted open. Hurriedly the group jumped through before it crashed shut again. They were in another corridor. This one long and straight as a rod. At the far end was a single set of double doors. They ran along it until the doors were reached. On the left hand side were two arrow-shaped buttons. One pointing up and the other pointing down.

"What is it?" asked Money.

Felix and Sir James could only shake their heads.

"I know what it is." Declared the Doctor. "It's called an elevator! Commonly placed in large building to travel many floors up or down without using ladders or stairs! In this case I suggest pressing 'up'."

The two adventurers did as he suggested. The doors opened with a small chime. The group piled in tightly and waited. Eerily happy music chimed throughout the 'elevator' as they slowly rose. Every so often a chime would signal that they passed another level. When the box finally stopped, and the doors slid opened, it opened directly into a large staircase.

"Well, if that's not a design flaw I don't know what is!" The Doctor laughed as they stepped out and began the ascent.

The staircase was long and winding. When they reached the top everyone had to take a breath. Sir James noticed that the landing had a set of large double doors. They were plated in gold and imbedded with jewels. A slip of paper was pinned to one door with a gilded arrow.

_Sir Jameson,_

_I see that you have made it this far. My congratulations. I now invite you in for a final duel. My puzzles have done nothing to stop you, and I am not surprised. You would not be worthy to be here if they had. _

_When you step through these doors Sir Jameson, be prepared to die; __**only one of us will leave this building.**_

_Jaws_

Sir Jameson took a steadying breath before opening the doors. When he did he dove through, making a roll to the right. It was good that he did, for an arrow struck where he had been standing. Felix followed him through, while Money and the other man stood outside. The gilded doors closed behind them, locking them in.

When they crashed shut, Sir Jameson spared a glance behind. When he turned around again he saw that the room had been lit. Torches lined the walls, and in the center of the room was what appeared to be a large blue box. It had white lettering around the top, and windows and a door on the sides.

A man stepped out from behind it. He wore clothes similar to the man that had been rescued; only his were dark gray. Atop his head was a blower's hat with a wide brim.

He smiled upon seeing the knight and his friend. "So you two are still alive…why can't you just be a good boy and die Jameson?"

The knight smiled, "That is a trick I never learned."

"Well then, I guess it's time I taught you. It's really quite simple." As he spoke the man had raised his right hand. In it he held a small object made of metal. With a sadistic grin revealing teeth made of metal he pulled a trigger on it. A small explosion announced a projectile that was launched from it.

As soon as he heard the bang Sir Jameson had instinctively dived to the side. He heard a whistle of wind past his ear.

Without hesitation he dove to the side again, knowing that another projectile would be launched at him. He reached out with his consciousness and _jerked_ the weapon out of Jaws' hands. As if pulled by a string the metal object was flung across the room.

Sir Jameson then strode toward the man and grabbed him. "If you are going to fight me then you will do so with a sword, not some magic missile launcher!" He drew the sword that had been given to him by the Quartermaster and handed it to him, while keeping the black one for himself. "Now Sir we duel."

The fight was far from even, Jaws was a horrid fencer, Sir Jameson used the flat of his sword several times to swat the other man. When he saw that there was no honor in winning he chose to resort to his fists. That was much more on even grounds.

Up on a ledge hidden in a corner, the Duke who wielded the gilded cross-bow slowly drew an arrow from his quiver.

He knocked and bolt and drew back on the string.

Felix caught a glint of torchlight on the metal. In one fluid motion he fired one of his own arrows at the shadowy figure. The Duke clutched at his chest where a golden arrow protruded. He looked at it in surprise as a crimson stain spread across his tunic. With one last breath he crumpled and fell to the floor below. His fall was noticed by Sir Jameson and Jaws, they paused in their fight at the sound of the body striking the ground. Sir Jameson smiled. "It seems that he got the point. You are finished Jaws! Felix has felled your assassin, we have survived all your tricks, traps, and puzzles, and now I will finish you!"

He launched himself upon the other man. Jaws proved to be much larger and heavier than himself. Sir Jameson was thrown to the floor, then, to his surprise Jaws pulled a knife from an inner pocket on his suit. With a press of the button the blade flicked out. He pressed it to the knight's throat.

"No Mister Bond, it is you who will die." There was an unhealthy gleam in the strange man's eyes, as if he were seeing something other than what was in front of him.

Sir Jameson started at the name he had been called, he struggled to push his hand back, he felt the cold steel against his skin. With a shove Jaws was thrown aside. Sir Jameson picked up the knife where it had fallen. He dove on Jaws before he could pull any more tricks. He raised the knife to finish what had been started when there was a shout.

All motion ceased as the man in the blue suit entered the room. "Don't kill him! Not like that."

Sir Jameson lowered the knife. The other man was right. He couldn't kill Jaws in cold blood. It wouldn't make him any better.

Jaws took advantage of the moment to lurch to his feet. He made a dash for the box in the center of the room. Sir Jameson was on his feet in an instant to follow. "No!" screamed the man in the suit, he followed the other two. Once inside the blue box it glowed and vanished. Felix was left standing in the room alone.

OoOoOoOo

Agent James Bond turned from the phone-booth. He decided to retrace his steps to see if he could have missed anything. As he turned to leave the sliding door of the phone-booth was thrown open. Jaws, the man he had been after rushed out almost into the agent's arms. With a grin he wasted no time in twisting his arms behind him, effectively preventing any escape.

Just as he did that two other men stumbled out of the box. Bond was unable to do anything but stare. A man dressed in the clothes of a black medieval knight stood before him. It was like looking in a mirror.

The Doctor was the last out of the phone-booth. He turned to Sir Jameson. "This is why I asked you to not kill him. He will answer for his crimes, in his own day and time where he came from. This man here will see to that." He looked at the agent, who nodded.

Sir Jameson took quick glances at his surroundings. "Then I leave him in your care Sir."

"The name's Bond…James, Bond."

Sir Jameson smiled. It all made sense to him at that moment. He nodded his head and then turned and walked back into the phone-booth. The Doctor led Jameson back inside and fiddled with the central console in the ridiculously large interior. With a hum and a flash of blue light the box was gone, back where it was before at Jaws' Dark fortress. The Doctor opened the door and gestured for jameson to leave. Waiting for him on the other side was Felix, just has he had been left. He jumped to his feet at the sight of his friend. "Thank God that you're alive!" He pulled Sir Jameson into a hug, then held him at arm's length.

Sir Jameson patted him on the back. "Jaws is gone. He will not bother us any longer. Our quest had been fulfilled."

Felix stiffened, "You didn't-"

"No." The knight's voice was stern. "He wasn't worth killing. Instead, he has higher powers than mine to answer to. I couldn't kill him. I would not have been right. It would have taken me down to his level. Instead, I rose above him."

They left the chamber, gathered Money, and left the fortress. Without it's evil core the whole thing collapsed in on itself, eaten from the inside.

"So, what do we do now….." Felix asked Money shyly as they walked out of the crumbled courtyard, while Jameson led the horses to the nearby spring.

"I'm leaving, Felix!" Money suddenly exclaimed.

Felix stood back in shock. "Oh! Are you ill? Has something happened!?" He asked, having stopped her and gripped onto her shoulders.

"Oh I'm fine! Its just… All this excitement. All this Adventure. I've enjoyed it immensely! And I know somebody who will take me to the edge of the cosmos and back!" Money Said dreamily.

"JAMES!" Felix swore, clenching his fist.

Money paused and blinked at him. "No. Not the good knight. It's … Someone else."

"Who then?" Asked the Yeoman. Before Money could be an answer, a blue box materialized behind her, and out stepped the man in the blue suit.

"Ello then! I'm The Doctor."

**A/N: If you are still alive and have not died of laughter, please do leave a review.**


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